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The journey...

2003-05-19T03:51:49Z

"I have faith in you" = that may be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. It was so simply put but yet said in all seriousness, I really hope he knows how much it meant. Now those five words make me contemplate what I'm doing with my life and why. I want the journey not the safety route. I want to live my dreams. Now I just need to figure out how I can go about doing that... but I think it may be too late.

gingibabe2 @ 2003-05-16T23:04:00

2003-05-17T04:29:35Z

Arghh so yep definitely home at 11... oh maybe that is b/c I have no friends... yep that's probably about right. Today was actually quite an amusing day. School was a waste, as usual, then I went frolfin w/ katie, steve, matty, brian, and joe. I suck so that's awesome. Hmm let's see then Katie & I drove around for a few hours b/c we have no lives. We took her brother to this girl's house in his class to take pictures b/c they have the 7th/8th grade dance tonight. It is Meghan McMahon's little sister's house and the whole class there. We had to take pics for Katie's mom b/c she was @ Loyola w/ grandma :(. I had fun w/ Meghan and I met this girl named Cory, who's a junior too @ provi. She was super nice. So we had to drive Mike to the dance and we know like everyone from st. joes so we chilled there and was dancing the cha cha song w/ the kids.. haha b/c honestly what else do we have to be doing? Yep so we sadly stayed for like an hour. Then went off driving for a while. Deciding more and more throughout the night how much we hate our lives, that's always good then. Then went back to her house and she got in a big fight w/ her dad so we ended up just sitting outside talking for a while. Deciding she doesn't like her dad & I don't like my mom... is that normal?? b/c I don't think it is. So we went driving around again but went back to the dance for the last half hour b/c we had to pick him up and what the hell else are we going to do? Well and now I'm home. I decided my life is a piece of crap and I have no use to life. Awesome huh? So I've decided that everyone just pisses me off now. Seriously I almost feel bad about it. I'm sick of everyone (except for a select few). I also like when people you think are your best friends think they are too cool for you now. That's awesome, let me tell you. It's a great feeling to have, to be ditched by a best friend for "cooler" kids. Sorry, I really am. I can't change who I am and I wouldn't. So fuck that. I'm sick of trying to please people. I honestly don't care, I don't need that shit. So all night I was talking to old parents I have known and they all are asking where I am going to college and about graduating, and it makes me sick that I still have all summer of this hell. I cannot wait to get outta here. I hate being so pessimistic when I am normally happy/upbeat.. whatever you wanna call it... but I just can't seem to help it lately. I feel like I am halfway buried in this hole and only a portion of light is still seen above but I can't get to it, no matter how hard I try, I just can't. So it just seems like it is no use trying to get out of the hole anymore b/c I have tried for so long and am just sick of trying.

There is just nothing left inside me

"Nobody said it was easy" "No one ever said it would be this hard"

2003-05-11T03:19:24Z

Yeah it's definitely 9:30 on a Saturday night & I'm sitting @ home all alone. I've had a terrible weekend thus far & have no doubt that it will just get worse. Friday night was okay, I just went over to Katie's & we got ice cream & sat outside & talked. Mostly about how we have no friends, we should have went to Lockport, & we can't wait to get the hell out of high school. Then we rented a movie and watched that. I was real tired so it was nice & relaxin. Today may have been a day from hell. Katie calls me @ 8 in the morning to tell me the street I saw that the cops were blocking in Lockport, was b/c there was a really bad accident. It was four teenagers and the car liked flipped over repeatedly and they are all probably dead, one may still be alive. So I thought sweet, awesome way to start the day. I tried sleeping but my sister's first day home, already annoyed, her very loud alarm clock feels the need to go off every 10 minutes for an hour. Because god forbid she gets up the first time. Then after that hour my Dad starts working on putting in this new oven we got. Yeah I think every tool we have, he used. Oh and let's not forget that the kitchen is directly under my room. So I give up after about an hour of banging and sawing and what have you, and get up. I decide I should probably finish up this 200 point psychology project that's due Monday. It has to be on powerpoint and naturally my computer is too old to have it. I go to the Lemont Library, yep my disk doesn't work. The versions aren't the same or something?! So he calls Lockport library, of course they don't even have powerpoint on their computers. So then I go to Homer Library, yep doesn't work there either. SO the librarian there tells me to go to Orland to the kinkos b/c they have computers or they could try and copy the disk in case it's the disk. So i go to kinkos, yep doesn't work there either. The 2 chicks working there were completely no help either arghhhh I was so pissed. So being stressed beyond words I am crying and enraged. I get home and my mom is being an ass b/c she hates me & I'm not the happiest w/ her right now, but i'll get to that later... My dad trying to help b/c sometimes he likes me enough to talk to me, says since they are going out to eat by his work he'll check his work to see if he can open the disk. (Yeah that didn't work either). So I went back to bed when I got home b/c I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I still have no idea what to do. I was thinking about just starting over but that's retarded b/c i spent a good 2 hours already on it. Plus 2maro is mother's day and libraries are closed AWESOME. So I'm basically fucked. No one has powerpoint and I will never find a computer w/ powerpoint, so yeah I'm just not gonna do it. It's just 200 points right? So I'm still real pissed @ my mom b/c the other day she informs me that "I'm fucking up my life & I won't make it at U of I"... yeah don't EVER tell me I'm fucking up my life again. Apperently whatever and I mean WHATEVER I do, I will never make my parents proud of me, happy of me, or just earn their respect. There is just no way to do this. I'm sorry that I'm going to U of I b/c I was forced, oh and I'm sorry I'm picking the major my dad wants me to do b/c above anything I want him to like me and appreciate me. I'm sorry I work so hard in school to get straight A's b/c when the report card says B I get told it's "just okay". So when I get made fun of in my classes b/c i try so hard and I will do anything to get that A it's b/c I feel like a disappointment w/ that B. Let's not forget that my sister is failing all her classes and may not be going to college next year. That's okay though, let's love her and be proud of her though. Speaking of love, when I was @ Katie's house yesterday her mom was going to bed and she always since I was 5, would say goodnight kiss me and say she loves me. I never really took notice to it before but for some reason, yesterday I was thinking that I couldn't remember the last time my parents told me they loved me or kissed me or did anything like that. I honestly don't think they love me. Everyone's parents tell their kids they love them... but mine. So that's just depressing. Anways after sleeping alot of the day I was thinking of going to Kenny's party. I talked to him and whatnot but I didn't have a car and I didn't want to drive anyways. He said Nick would pick me up but then I just decided I didn't feel like going. I am in one of my depression moods and I don't feel like having fun. Or just drinking for that matter b/c I know I would do something stupid/regretfull. So I guess I'm just going to sit around and go to bed b/c this is my life. For the past two hours I have been on this website in honor of Eric Graf. I have been reading the entries and I started crying real bad and got that sick to your stomach feeling so I had to stop. I can't deal w/ anything right now. Then it just made me think about my own life and things I've done.. and I just get pissed @ myself. I don't want to think &/or talk about that anymore though. By the way Eric's site is..
www.quitetheking.com/eric/
Well I'm done writing, thanks for listening.

YAY!

2003-05-05T18:39:26Z

So I had an AWESOME weekend to say the least! Thursday: Dan, Dano, and K8t came over haha it was so funny. PoopUrPants! I think they Imed everyone on my buddylist with that... haha it was super funny! Then Friday was Prom! I had soo much to do during the day but it was all worth it b/c I had such a great time @ Prom! I was kinda surprised though! I didn’t know if I was gonna have as good of a time as I did. Haha I think I went crazy through the whole thing, I didn’t know what was wrong w/ me! Dano I had a great time dancin w/ ya!! You are the best dancer EVER! After the dance we went to this Improv Comedy Show. It was real funny! “Mom & Dad, I just want you to know I have never butt-fucked before” Haha great line! The limo ride home I all of a sudden got real tired, but listening to techno music kinda wakes you up. We got back to Quinn’s house and sat around. Luke bought enough alcohol for like 100 people, so everyone was drinking, I didn’t b/c I was too tired and I just didn’t feel like it. So we watched the Old-School batman shows on Nick@Night… haha funny times. We went to bed @ like 6… and then got up @ like 11 I think it was. We just sat around talking for a couple hours and finally got ourselves up and went to the Patio. Yummm food was soo good let me tell ya. Then we decided to go to the Sox game later, so Kenny drove me home and I had like 2 hours before I had to leave for the game so I couldn’t nap :( I was a little upset but I was actually fine the whole night. Copes picked me up and we went to Quinn’s and then to the Sox game. It was a lot of fun. Haha we ate soo much. “Grand Central Station… IN or OUT.” Haha that lady was nuts, I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard! “Crackerjacks, red ropes.” “What the hell is he saying??” “fgsfgds , red gjiege” “Yeah that’s all I got too.” Haha crazy man w/ no teeth! We left early from the game b/c it was sooo frickin cold and they were losing really bad! So we went to Connie’s in Chicago, yumm it was real good. I was super up b/c of my hot tea. “Who orders that?” “ME” Then we went back to Quinns to drop the others off and Quinn, Copes, and Amy came to my house and we started watching Office Space. It was like 12:30 and we were all falling asleep so they left. I have never slept so good before, I think I slept all day on Sunday. I woke up a few times when people called me, like Scott. :) He called me from the tallest mountain in New York. He was hiking w/ some of the other guys to get into shape. We talked for like half an hour. So I got to talk to him three days in a row! Yay! He called me Fri. when I was @ my hair appointment, then he called me Sat night when I was @ Connies, and then Sunday! He is coming home June 1st till 12th probably. I might go to his cottage in Michigan w/ him too over those days. I can’t wait to see him again you have no idea. So, then Sun. night DeCarlo came over and I went to bed @ like 1. I was considering going to school but I decided there was no way I was getting up for that. So I slept till 1 today and now here I am w/ no one home and no car! So I’m bored out of my mind! I hope everyone had a great weekend though, and I’ll see ya’ll lata!

gingibabe2 @ 2003-04-26T22:00:00

2003-04-27T03:24:03Z

So today has sucked real bad, well this week actually. No wait, well Sunday was great b/c I talked to Scott. Monday & Tuesday were excellent just b/c I FINALLY felt well. Then Wed. hits and I get sick yet AGAIN. I couldn't even walk, literally. I threw up Wed. night after eating next to nothing oh and then found a tick on my back?? Okay good thing he didn't get in though I f"in pulled his ass out. Then Thurs. I was awake 3 hours and ate nothing but applesauce and gatorade the whole day. Umm Fri. I was dragged to the doc and they took MORE blood from me, oh yes and don't forget me crying the whole time in the doctors. Maybe if they wouldn't.. ick.. I don't want to even talk about that. Then after the doctor, yep I definitely threw up ALL over the Jewel parking lot. I kinda felt bad when people were standing there watching. Don't worry I'm fine people just watch and go on w/ your lives. So I slept most of today until I went online and I read Dan' journal about Eric Graf. I was in shock b/c I knew an Eric Graf but didn't put 2 in 2 together that it's the same person for about an hour. I went to st. joes w/ Elizabeth Graf and her cousin was Eric. I met him a few times in 7th grade but then Elizabeth's dad (also my basketball coach) died. I hate thinking about it, have you ever seen someone die in front of you? The memories are horrific. So as I was already good friends w/ Elizabeth the whole team just got even closer 8th grade year. Eric was like our "mascot", he went to practically every game and sat on the bench w/ us (esp. me b/c I rode the bench haha) and he was so great. Then he started hanging out w/ all of us and I would be over at Bee's house all the time and he was just always sooo funny. I will always remember sitting on Kimmy's couch w/ Eric singing that "Leaving on a jetplane" song. I have no idea why but we sang it all night and everyone was getting mad haha great times w/ him. This leaves me w/ why would he kill himself?! He was so nice and so funny. I can't possible see a reason to justify it, but then again I'm not him, so I wouldn't know what he was going through. Well I'm definitely going to the wake tomorrow w/ some St. Joes people. I called a few girls today to let them know and Kimmy did too (her family is super close w/ the Grafs). So I guess that's an awesome way to end the awesome spring break I had? Ha yeah right. By the way, Dan, I have no idea if you read mine as I read your LJ but I wanted to thank you for posting about Eric, bc otherwise I wouldn't have known. Alright have a goodnight.

"How do people know where I live??"

2003-04-20T17:14:37Z

Okay so this week definitely SUCKED, I was sick all last week so on Monday I went to the doctor and yep I have mono, so that's cool i guess? So I missed the whole week of school, which is terrible since next week is spring break so I had 30000 tests. So yeah my parents went to Minnesota to visit my sister & jeff. They left on Friday so it's just been me & my sister all weekend. My mom told me I wasn't allowed to leave the house this weekend ha yeah right mom. Friday I just went to Cambells it was nice and relaxin. They are were alot of different randoms so I thought that was pretty sweet. Then K8t just slept over and last night I had about 15 people over. Too bad the whole frickin senior class showed up and I was like...oh ok I didn't know I was having a party. I only wanted a few people over but somehow Gabriel takes it upon himself to invite everyone in the class, oh yeah b/c he was even invited? Nope didn't think so. Whatever Marty and Peterson came and got all the people out who I definitely didn't invite over. I love those 2 b/c they actually cared, even though I wouldn't have minded if they stayed b/c I actually talk to them. I told everyone else they could stay b/c I just didn't give a shit but I think they knew I wasn't excatic about the idea. I just got real pissed when they were like Nick and Bernas are on their way now...I was like SWEET b/c they have ever even bothered to talk to me before @ school so I guess that's cool if they want to come over?! SO once they left, everyone was there that I wanted, just 15 not too many, and it was relaxin. Just sittin on my porch, listening to some tunes, drinking and smoking. Yeah so it's definitely Easter and I have no family here haha, I guess I'll be eating cereal for dinner like every meal this weekend, no ham for me! Ok I gots to shower, hope everyones weekend is going great

happiness is only in a dream

2003-04-03T04:29:16Z

Have you ever missed someone so badly that it made you sick? That you feel mentally and physically sick? That you need someone.. but the person that you need can't be there. The people that you THOUGHT would be there turned out to be liars. Have you ever heard from a friend that someone you trusted replaced you for someone better? Have you ever felt so rejected and not cared for that you wouldn't care if your car "accidentally" ran off the road into oncoming traffic? Has someone that made you feel so much better about yourself just turn around and do something to make every single fucking word that came out of their mouth become a lie to you? Do you know what it feels like to love yourself one day but the next day despise yourself because you were too trusting? Have you ever felt like such an idiot that you never want to talk to that person again b/c you feel like they have some sick and twisted power over you? Have you ever cried for hours on end about something that seems so trivial to other people? Have you ever wasted a tank of gas from driving one night because you didn't want to go home and have to face reality? Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself at the decisions you've made because you cared too much about hurting the other person? Why does caring about people have to turn out to be a bad thing? Why can't people appreciate you or why can't you see the people that really do appreciate you? But then what if you do find someone who appreciates you but you can't have them, what do you do then? there's no point.

this is my life, not nearly as bad as others, but my own hell just the same

sometimes i
need to remember just to breathe
sometimes i
need you to stay away from me
sometimes i'm
in disbelief i didn't know
somehow i
need you to go
sometimes i
feel like i trusted you too well
sometimes i
just feel like screaming at myself
sometimes i'm
in disbelief i didn't know
somehow i
need to be alone
don't stay
forget our memories
forget our possibilities
what you were changing me into
[just give me myself back and]
don't stay
forget our memories
forget our possibilities
take all your faithlessness with you
[just give me myself back and]
don't stay
i don't need you anymore
i don't want to be ignored
i don't need one more day
of you wasting me away
with no apologies

gingibabe2 @ 2003-03-25T06:04:00

2003-03-25T12:38:17Z

So I haven't written in a while...umm lets see Thurs.~ I went to the hypnotist w/ Caroline, Kristina, & Dom.. yes quite random but sooo much fun! haha Dano w/ the shoe and Sears w/ the dumbass remark it was great haha Fri.~ After school K8t called me to tell me that her grandma had died that morning and she wanted me to go to Chicago w/ her and her sister to drop off an art project. Then afterwards K8t wanted to go home and sleep so I went home and decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings w/ Kristy and some random girls from Provi. I never hang out w/ some of these people but it was pretty fun. Alot of them left and it was just Kristy, Michelle, and me and of course Kristy starts flirting w/ the guys at the table next to ours and the next thing I know they are sitting w/ us. I was super mad b/c then they ask for our #'s and I can't be mean and say no, I would just feel really bad. (Sidenote one of the kids calls me TWICE Sat. ~ I was super mad) So I went home @ like 12, wasn't a late night. But here's where it gets awesomely fantastic~ I go online like every night and guess who Ims me out of nowhere~ Scott Cassidy! I haven't seen him in two years since he graduated and well I had his s/n but I honestly didn't know he had mine. So he starts talking to me and I was about to go b/c I was real tired, when he says he just wants to tell me one thing. So he says that he had liked me when he graduated Provi but was too nervous to say anything and plus the fact that he was going to West Point. I was in complete shock. I naturally have always liked him alot but he was the "cool" senior that was always real nice to me and I was the "dumb" sophmore that just went to all his volleyball games. I never ever in a million years would of thought he had liked me. I guess this was all brought about b/c he was @ Provi on Friday making speeches about the war to Mr. Wy's classes and he saw me and he realized he still liked me just as much as when he left. I seriously wanted to cry when he was telling me this. So then he asks me if I would have dinner w/ him Saturday night and well naturally I said yes. So Sat. I woke up really early b/c that's how excited I was, I just couldn't sleep anymore~ Is that normal? We calls me in the afternoon after another speech he gave in the morning. He was sooo unbelievably nice and he ended up picking me up around 5 or so. It was soo awesome to see him and he took me to Biogios (Ok I really butchered the spelling but it's the one across from the mall). The food was real good and I had such a great time talking to him. I admire him soo much for going to West Point and he's going to Korea in the summer and he may have to be in the war next year. He's just really smart and honestly the nicest guy I have ever met in my whole life. It's like ya know when you date diff. people or just like diff. people and you pick up little traits about them all that you like and you put them together and form this perfect person and that you hope you could be with forever~ well that's what he seemed to me. Yeah I know you're probably saying Colleen it was one night and how could you honestly say you think he's the perfect guy for you? Well to be honest It doesn't make alot of sense but why does it have to? I know and you may also be saying he lives in New York and he's an officer and may be going to war this summer or next year. But I just think if it's meant to be something will happen sometime. So we get dessert (we shared a tiramisou and it was awesome) and when the waitor gives it to us, he asks so I hear you are going back tomorrow? Scott was like excuse me? Then he realizes what he means and says Yeah I'm going back to New York. The waitor says this is on us. We get the bill and half of our meal is taken off and the dessert was free. (Scott new the hostess and I guess she told the waitor). I just thought that was sooo great, not that he is even fighting yet but just the fact that he is in the army and may have to and the restaurant appreciated that. Scott was so humble about it and I really admired that. So he drove me home and I called Caroline right away to tell her about my night b/c I was dieing to tell someone (and she knew how much I liked him Soph. yr.) and well my mom doesn't count b/c shes well my mom. So as I'm talking to Car, 10 min. later he calls me just to tell me again what a great night he had and to tell me that I looked really good tonight and thanked me for going w/ him. How sweet is that?? I was so upset the rest of the night b/c I knew nothing will happen b/c well he lives in New York. So yeah I went to bed @ 10 haha yep 10 on Sat. night. On Sun~ I went to Church and then stopped @ K8t's to see how she was doing. (Her great-grandma died on Sat. too) I then went to the mall for a little while, cleaned my car, and got a car wash. While I was @ K8t's, just as I am telling Mrs. T about Scott he calls me from the Dave & Timmy Concert. (Dave was having a special concert for the army guys) So he calls me and lets me listen for a few min. to Dave, I was soo happy. First just the fact that he remembered me during it and Second, b/c I do have a sickening obsession w/ Dave. So then Sun. night I went to see "Chicago" w/ Katie, Steve, and Dano. Awesome movie! Yeah I know I was sceptical @ first too but it was seriously really good and I want to see it again! If anyone wants to see it I will definitely go w/ you! Alright so this was real long and I'm sorry my story took forever but I am just real happy/sad. I am happy it happened but I'm just sad nothing more really can happen b/c he is so very far away. But again if anything is meant to be it will happen eventually, even if it's 5 years away when I'm out of college. Then today I went to Katie's grandma's funeral. It was really sad, I think just b/c I have known her family for so long that I kinda think they are my own family and it was just sad b/c they are all so nice. I went w/ Dano, Sears, Mary, & Steve and we went to the lunch afterwards @ Adams we felt real bad though b/c it was all family even though we were invited. So we secluded ourselves to the table in the back haha and just ate everything :) "Katie was your cookie good" haha. So we pretty much ditched all of school I like how I go to first period, ten minutes of second, and then seventh. The people in the Deans Office ask us if it was far away...umm if you think Lockport is far well then yes. Haha Okay I'm off to do laundry and maybe homework but I doubt it b/c as Steve says "It's fourth quarter". Have a great week :)

"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one."

that's just sexy

2003-03-02T19:54:52Z

What
lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

uh...yeah..that's about right

yep so it's snowing out :) that's awesomeness. so lets see last week went by slow, then fast. most likely b/c i took wed. off haha my laziness once again shows through. so fri. night bryan and zach just came over. then sat. all day i had to baby-sit oh man i wanted to kill myself. b/c usually when i watch these kids it's @ night so i only see them for like 2 hours then they go to bed. so 7 hours of constant playing and putting them on my shoulders and carrying the little girl around in our made-up game spaceships flyin around shooting robots just wore me out like no other. my arms are sore today from carrying her around so much. but oh well i made a lil but o money so its aight. then bryan just came over after he worked b/c i have no friends and he feels bad for me haha thats what i think anyways. hmm then today is just another saturday b/c no school monday.. which is great, but naturally i have jack to do so it doesn't really matter haha. so i'm off to shower have a great weekend :)

this week is already WAY too long

2003-02-24T22:34:38Z

so i haven't written in a while or well i have but they are usually just my depressed mood so i write nothing useful or exciting in them. not that this one will be useful or exiting but eh it's something to waste my time w/ correct? so then it's all good. this weekend was pretty fun. uh lets see friday i went to donnys his rents were outta town so that was some fun times. well until i passed out for a little while but haha shit happens. but i was better the rest of the night so bry came over till like 2 or 3 i forgot. then sat. i did nothing @ all during the day. sat. night i went to bryans w/ tony. haha we are such losers i'm pretty sure we played chicago monopoly for like 2 hours haha but technically we planned on going to donnys again but yeah that one didn't work out so we watched the food network and played monopoly :) then we dropped tony off and bryan came over till like 3 and then caroline came over when he left. good times me and car eating white castle and talking about things normal people don't! "i have a bottle in my bag" 5 min.later... "we are such alcoholics" so i went to bed @ 5 so naturally the next day got up @ 2:30 haha i'm so lazy. then i went over to bryans till like 10 b/c my parents think i'm an infant, but thats a whole other story in itself. so yes that was my half-ass but not too bad weekend. today i want to go shopping but oh yeah i have noo job so its kinda hard to buy stuff. i think i'm going to the gym w/ bry and tony lata so thats something thats not me sitting around my house all night. so yes i promised you a pointless entry and thats what you got:) so aight have a good week!

gingibabe2 @ 2003-02-16T03:36:00

2003-02-16T09:31:40Z

fuck it all just fuck it. i can't sleep i don't wanna think about anything anymore i don't want to be here. why does my life suck so bad why can't i just be happy like everyone else? i'm sick of crying just sick of everything. fuck it all FUCK do you ever just want to die so badly that you get sick thinking about it? so fuck i really wish i could write everything that i have in my mind but i can't it's just too fuckin hard.

hope tomorrow is better

2003-02-14T05:31:06Z

So yeah I watched American History X tonight.. hmm a little disturbing I must say. I mean don't get me wrong, a great movie, but depressing. Hmm yeah so I'm glad we gots a long weekend, not that it matters b/c I'm sure mine will suck as usual but thats aight. I'm so not looking forward to Valentine's Day 2maro, most likely end up sitting around alone b/c oh yeah thats right I don't have a boyfriend.. YES love holidays that are completely centered around that. So I've officially... yes officially.. decided that today sucked. I was just thinking about English and that is when it all started I think, we listened to a great song, which I tried downloading tonight but my assanine computer can't do anything right so it's all messed up and shit, and I dunno it just made me think about alot of whatnot, don't really feel like gettin into it though.. Ah well my bed is calling my name So yet again another pointless entry by ME.. hope all is well w/ the rest ~goodnight

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

blah ble blah blah be blah blu blu

2003-02-08T07:28:59Z

Tonight was a fun nite, I went over to Czuptas w/ locicero, damen, and bryan. I got a tour of his house...WOW it is gorgeous to say the least! Then us 5 went to da movies...we saw the recruit, it was actually pretty good except it was sooo confusing @ the end, I still have no idea what happened! Umm yeah and I'm pretty sure me and Damen ate a huge bucket of popcorn b/w the 2 of us haha I'm so FAT! Then Bryan came over b/c I forced him to watch office space b/c I just want to cry for the people who have never seen it! haha is that wierd?? naww.. So yeah I have no idea what I am doing tomorrow night... prolly nothing b/c well thats my life story! Okay I'm beat...off to bed Goodight! :)

his toilet is like the ones on the plane...it would suck the hair right off of ya!

2003-01-18T17:37:20Z

yday was a pretty good day, except for the finals in the morning, i got a b in pe-calc but i still have an A for the semester and thats all i care about. and acounting hahahahahaha seriously i have never just picked random answers so much as i did on that test..shit just thinking about it makes me laugh. i know people always yell @ me b/c i say did bad when in actuality i did fine, but i know i failed that accounting final, but it was completely assanine so who cares..i'm over it. anyways @ 12 kristy and i went to oakbrook for lunch and we went shopping. it was a whole lotta fun..we are so muchalike its almost wierd. i really hope she gets into u of i so we can room together b/c that would be sweet..and since we roomed together on kairos we know we can live w/ each other. last night then i went over to tony torterellos house. it was alot of fun...i was just so confused the whole night about things that i don't know..it was just wierd. i love his room, he has this awesome picure of dave matthews, is like drawn and whatnot and i love it bthe wouldn't let me steal it :( and he has this huge poster of kramer and we all know my undying love for kramer..and don't forget the waterbed...i would give anything for one. we watched signs and that is a great movie, they kept taking my pillow away from me though :( some parts were scary! i really want to see it again b/c everyone theres phones kept ringing and they were talking on them and i was going to go nuts, so i think i missed some parts... yeah i have to baby-st tonight which is no good but money would be good b/c im pretty sure i'm broke again...and theres many things i would like to buy. okay so yeah i'm gonna go, kinda in the mood for watching office space..so i'm gona lay around and be lazy and watch that. catch ya all lata

"this crutch and vibrations kinda makes me feel like i'm on a roller coaster" haha

2003-01-11T19:05:44Z

so can i just say i had an AWESOME time last night and it totally made up for my shitty week? well good b/c i am! i went to see lion king on the imax and it was GREAT..haha so much singing, even though it was only me and copeland singing and everyone else yelling @ us or just covering our mouths thats okay! there were 13 of us who went to the movie and it was great times! we saw george ryan @ navy pier and he said hi to me!! yes we had eye contact :):) after the awesome awesome moie, we decide to go get dinner so rob crucack calls up his brother who owns this crazy nice like gourmet italian restaurant downtown. its called carmines..no idea how to spell it though. so we eat TONS of food there (haha damen litterally finished off every plate of food) and it was sooo good. tiramisou was excellent and me quinn and damen were fighting over it but damen gave me one of his pieces :) so rich(robs bro) took care of our bill and the only thing we had to pay for was tip, we each paid $15, and there was 13 of us, so i can only imagine how much the bill was! it pays to know people i guess.. and then of course watching gone in 60 seconds w/ damen and bryan in bryans car was awesome! haha w/ the subs i felt like i was in a movie theater :) so i would have to say that i had a great time last night and i'm really glad i decided to go..but tonight i have to baby-sit :( but i really need the money so its all good...well i'm off to shower..have a great day :)

stop being you

2003-01-03T07:17:22Z

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT?! WHY????

understanding of a level beyond thinking

2002-12-29T07:55:54Z

i sit here @ 1:30 at night just wishing i was happy..wishing someone could make me happy. people ask me why i feel always like i do..and i reply i don't know b/c i honestly..don't know. i wish i could leave b/c my life is so screwed up and i can't fnd a way to fix it. i try to talk to people but i can't..when i start..i stop. i can't find words to say what i really want to say..but w/out saying it..how will people ever know? i want to be happy..but in being happy i need someone but whoever that someone is...isn't here. in finding him i could risk everything..but if i do risk it all..what if it isn't what you expect? is it worth it? i don't know what to do anymore..the someone that does want to be there..you don't. am i so screwed up that someone wants to be with me but i am such an idiot that i am trying to avoid it for some fictional fairytale that i have planned out in my mind...that will most likely never happen. fuck me fuck me...people say to be happy but i say to you.. fuck off b/c i CAN'T... simple isn't it? happiness is beyond my reach and the only way to attain this is through ways i don't know...so FUCK IT i'm sick of trying so FUCK

i hate you school

2002-12-11T03:44:42Z

Blah definitely this day was crap like usual. School..well..i just hate it..what more can I say? People piss me off. I wish people would realize what they do and say, even the littlest of the things, have an effect on someone, whether it be good or bad. So i've decided to just not go to school anymore. I'm just not gonna go. (Pretty sure that guy from officespace said it the best). The only two entertaining things today was when me and pat were singing that limp bizkit song and then went to our lockers and when he came back we were on the same verse...haha..probably really dumb but made me laugh and the other was when trey was telling me about the guy him and jimmy thought were sitting on the bed @ kairos b/c that definitely happened to me too. Last weekend was pretty crappy so I'm already hoping next weekend will be better but i doubt it b/c everyone BUT me is going to the dance...so sweet. Well I have lots of homework that I still haven't started so bye.

gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-07T02:26:00

2002-12-06T20:28:13Z

So I just wanted to say I'm REAL sorry about my journal being posted like 35526874526982265 times...haha thats funny though... Anyways I'm in Accounting and done wiith everything so I am bored out of my mind....So alright tonight should be fun, I have to do my Beowulf project after school and then I have the K mass and then a bunch o people are going out to din din for Kates B-day. Yummmm food. I have tons upon tons of homework this weekend so that sux but at least its 3 days :):):):) Otay ttyl BYEEEE <3

gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:55:00

2002-12-06T02:50:31Z

Today was actually a good day, suprising huh? It doesn't happen usually but what can ya do? 2 out of my four classes I watched movies so that helped even if silas marner is god awful. Yesterday was a good one too, well mostly. I stayed home from school and thats always a plus and then I had CCD. I love those kids so much, even if by the end they give me a headache thats alright its worth it. Me and Katie then went to Sam Maguire's for her b-day, that is my favorite restaurant and wish I could eat there eveyday. So I've decided that I wish I was going to the X-mas dance. It seems that everyone is going and I am honestly the only one not. A few people today said that they thought I was going with Damen, but I don't know where they got that from, I wish I was! but definitely not, I'm not that lucky. It seems there have been many rumors going on about me or just people talking about me lately. I mean none of them(well that i know of) are like bad against me but still its just odd. Like down state which was a great time but just random things about that..like w/ brian that would never happen. I mean I guess its good people know who i am?? haha who am i kiddin? So this entry was obviosly pointless but ya know its better than homework :) So alright I am off~Goodnight <3

gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:55:00

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gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:55:00

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gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:38:00

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gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:38:00

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gingibabe2 @ 2002-12-05T20:38:00

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